Tommy has been gone for 4 months, and in spite of promising myself and my family that I wouldn't , I have dug a hole and crawled in it, it's not as deep as it could be. I am struggling, but I am working hard at getting out, going to work, doing things with friends and family. I finally made it to Sunday School week before last - that is still hard.
The hardest things I've had to do? The first day/week back at work, the first time going to church, the first time I came home from work to an empty house, realizing that for the first time in more than 3 years I did not have to hurry home. Christmas was really hard, but leaving the day after Christmas to go to Ruthe's made it much easier. However, if it tells you anything, I haven't been able to bring myself to take down the Christmas tree.
And yesterday - the hardest hardest thing was finally sitting down and filing our income tax. I managed to get the process finished, the taxes filed, Federal on-line, and State printed and ready to mail. But I was a basket case at the end. But I really had to force myself to sign the state tax form, "filing as surviving spouse". And I cried and cried, and couldn't sleep. I've had a headache all day. And as I drove away from the Post Office, I was in tears.
So how deep is the hole I kept promising not to crawl into? I think it is deeper than I'm willing to admit. I am managing to get to work and be productive, but when I get home, I am sitting in the chair and staring at the tv.
I am still exhausted. It is physical and it is emotional as well. Emotionally exhausted, some days it is all I can do to get up and get going. And, I still have many many "what if I had. . ." thoughts. I know this is "normal", whatever that is, but it is not moving me through the grieving process.
I am blessed to have a good support system, children, friends, co-workers. I simply have to hang on and work my way through this pain. I really thought that because I believed that I began grieving when Tommy was forced into retirement and then was diagnosed with dementia, that when the end came, I would be ready to be free. But I don't feel free. I still feel stuck and I feel guilty because sometimes I do feel free. I want to stay home, but I really need to keep working so I will have the income I need. And I need to be working simply to keep me moving. So I still feel stuck.
I am a naturally positive person and some days I can be true to my positive self. But I have days that I feel very negative - cranky, irritable, weepy. Those are the days that are the hardest. Sometimes it's not even a whole day - last night was a perfect example of that. Those are the times when the struggle seems overwhelming.
Most of the time I feel God's presence helping me through. I simply have to keep reminding myself that I am not the first woman to lose a husband, not the first wife/caretaker to be exhausted at the end of that long dark illness, and that I have many loving people around me, with lots of life ahead to enjoy and perhaps make a positive difference for someone.
