First Time

The past year has been challenging, to say the least.  Tommy has been gone for 18 months, and I have struggled to deal with decisions that should not be hard, such as, what to eat for supper.  But I haven't stopped working, getting out of the house, and I haven't given up. I still have lots of "stuff" to work through, but I believe I am getting there, albeit slowly.

I have made several trips to see our daughter, which means driving about 400 miles one way.  But it also means driving by the places where Tommy and I have often stopped, taken pictures, checked out the flea market, and visited with some of the same people at the stops we made.  So each trip has been sort of a self test to see if I can stop at some of the same places, not for Tommy, but for myself.

Laugh if you will, but I have sort of a "pattern".  I set Rhonda the GPS for my destination, playing with the route so it kind of matches what I intend to do.  I leave the voice instructions "on", so I can argue with Rhonda when I take a turn she didn't expect.  I get my selection of cds ready for the player in the van, and truthfully, most of them are Neil Diamond.  (I recently rediscovered how much I like his music.)  

I start the car, ask God for safe travels and guidance in my driving, and head for my destination.  I think I have found my "inner rock star", as I have listened to my cds often enough that I can now sing along with Neil in harmony (I am an alto).  I can bounce, pat my left foot, sing, make comments about other drivers, and somehow, I get to my destination in a reasonable amount of time.

This time, I was listening to a new Neil cd, "Melody Road" (2014), which included Neil's song entitled "First Time". It is a piece he wrote in his early-70's, and at first glance it seems to be talking to a young person just starting out.  However, as I listened to this one several times on my most recent trip, a light bulb went on over my head.

For the first time in my life, I am really "on my own", and I really wasn't prepared for this situation.  I live alone, set my own schedule, decide what to cook (or not), where I want to go, how I want to spend my time.  We married while we were in college, and I had only been away from home to live in a dorm. Essentially, I went from living at home with my parents to living with my husband.

I went for a planned doctor's check up just before I left on the trip. While there, she asked what I was doing, etc.  I told her about my planned trip, and she said, "You faithfully cared for Tommy at home for a long time, and now this is YOUR time, so enjoy it."

I am doing many things for the "First Time", and it can be a bit daunting. But my doctor was right.  I will not be honoring my precious husband's memory by moping around the house, staying in deep mourning, not experiencing the joy of life that is still out there for me. Being a part of our children and grandchildren's lives, going to special events, watching the grands grow up, all of this brings joy to my heart. And I truly believe that by honoring Tommy's memory, my joy is doubled.

There are going to be many "First Times" ahead for me, I think.  I feel God's guidance all the time, and I am leaning on Him to get me through all of the difficult "first times".  I lean on many verses, but tonight Philippians 3:13-14 came to mind:

(13) "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, (14) I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

First time, how do you feel?
Little bit strange to a little unreal
That first time, you're far from home,
Finally out there on your own
And it's your time for making it happen
It's your time, and it's gonna happen your way
Every step you take from now on,
Be taking as far as you can
You oughta be moving along
Singing your song, and making your plans

First time, it comes unaware,

You're un-rehearsed, and unprepared for that
First time, you're free unbound
No paying it safe, gotta jump off the ground
It's your time, and good things will happen
But this time, you gotta put your heart on the game!
You're out for the first time,
But you're not really out there alone
Keep doing it, the words gonna spread
Get out of your bed, sat out on your own.
Keep trying, be fine first time!